


Experimental Remedies

by moriartyswife



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2018-09-19 05:33:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 13,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9420821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moriartyswife/pseuds/moriartyswife
Summary: Daughter of a prominent family in this capital. Fiance to humanity's strongest solider. Becoming a doctor had been my choice, against my Father's wishes. But I played my role as his daughter so well that being a doctor could almost be considered a hobby. Now engaged to Levi, my position in the capital became a game of winning support for him and Erwin. A game that put many at risk.





	1. Chapter 1

The news had spread quickly among the wives of the bureaucrats. A boy training to work in the survey corps had the ability to transform into a titan. Fascinating news. Annabelle’s husband was a top-ranking officer in the military police, and she said that there was rumors that this boy was being held under the courthouse in the capital. They talked of how dangerous he was… like they’d ever seen a titan.  One thing I knew for certain…

I had to see him in person.

The moment Annabelle let his location slip after one too many glasses of wine, I had begun to formulate my plan to justify my early return to the capital. It became much easier when I heard that my fiancé was there for the looming trial. No one would question me arriving a few days early to see him.

My biggest problem would be arriving unnoticed. If Levi found out that I had come to the capital four whole days before I was meant to return, I have no doubt that he would disapprove immediately. I needed at least two days to gather information.

The best route would take a full two days to get Stohess District, but there were no military police regimen stops this far out, but I would have to take a carriage, which I dreaded.  Nobility was excepted to travel in that manner. Once upon a time, I had enjoyed carriages. Levi had changed that. He’d taught me how to ride a horse, and, against my father’s wishes, it had become my favorite way to travel.

I’d forgotten how slow and bumpy carriages were. All I could think about was the reason I’d left the capital in the first place. The social group that I associated with wanted to take a trip outside of Wall Sheena for some relaxation. I hated relaxation. The Scouts Regiment needed funding and I had so much work to do in order to obtain those funds. But I’d come along. Because everyone knows that the way to the higher ups is through their wives.

Levi had sent word that Titans had been seen near Trost district and now we had been stuck in that village because travel into the royal capital had been suspended the way we had come out. These socialites never ceased to amaze me at how oblivious they were to the titan threat.

The journey took as long as I expected and the military police almost didn’t let us through, but my family name was too high for them to refuse. Thankfully, I stepped out of the carriage without too many people noticing. Word travels quickly in the capital. Instead of going home, I went straight to the courthouse.

At first, I had no trouble getting in and through most of the building. If my family name didn’t scare them, my fiancé’s did. The guards at the bottom of the final staircase did question my visit. “We are under strict orders, ma’am.”

I straightened my back, like my father had taught me. Authority is a state of being. “Do you want Captain Levi to hear that you didn’t allow me entry? I can assure you that he will be most displeased if he has to come down here during his busy schedule.”

The two guards shared a terrified look and let me pass. One followed me to the cell that Eren was being held in. This poor kid. Being chained up and locked away… like an animal. He didn’t look up until I spoke to the guard. “Open the door.”

“M-miss Sinclair, you can’t be serious.”

Folding my arms, I narrowed my eyes at him. “I am quite serious. Unlock the door, solider.”

He shook his head. “T-there’s regulations about leaving the door unlocked…”

“Then lock the door behind me.” I couldn’t believe how scared this solider was acting. Eren was just a kid. Thankfully, he did let me inside, locking the cell door behind me.

Eren’s wide eyes told me that no one else had come this close to him since he’d been arrested. “Aren’t you afraid of me?” His voice cracking meant that he wasn’t being fed the right nutrients or enough water.

Sitting on the side of the bed, I took out the key that I’d swiped from upstairs. Unlocking his arms, I smiled. “Should I be?” The military police weren’t the most considerate and pleasant people.

He rubbed his wrists. “Who are you?”

With a laugh, I answered, “My name is Kerstin Sinclair.”

“Whoa! Like THE Sinclair’s? The family that practically runs the capital finances?” Eren asked.

“Yes, that’s my family.”

“Then,” He blinked, “What are you doing down here with me?”

I opened my bag and took out a homemade sandwich, which he happily unwrapped and started to eat, and a bottle of water. “I came to see you. All these rumors about a boy who could transform into a titan. I had to check it out for myself.”

With a mouthful of sandwich, Eren said, “I’m a monster.” His eyes dropped to his lap.

“Let’s not go labeling you just yet, okay?” I smiled again and patted his head. As far as I knew, he didn’t know that he was about to be put on trial to decide whether he would live or be killed in only two days’ time. “Your name is Eren Yaeger, right? Can I call you Eren?”

                The confusion in his eyes made me sad. They’d been treating him as less than human. “Y-yeah, that’s fine, miss.”

“Kerstin. I’d like to leave out my family name when I’m here.” He nodded, continuing to devour the sandwich. I talked to him about my work as a doctor. Eren listened intently and even talked about his own interests, his friends, and his family. When it came time for me to leave, I had to put the cuffs back on. “Would you mind if took a sample of your blood tomorrow?”

“N-not at all! Whatever you need!” Eren said. The quiver in his voice nearly broke my heart. They’d labeled him a monster… but I didn’t see that. I saw a terrified boy who wanted just one person to be on his side.

I leaned down and kissed his head. “I’ll be back tomorrow afternoon. Try not to worry too much, okay?” He needs an adult to believe in him.

 

 

The next afternoon, I returned around the same time, having no trouble getting in. I’d brought him real food again, unlike the watered-down soup and day old bread that they considered to be edible. He asked my job and why I needed the blood sample. I’d learned that he was a smart kid, but he soaked up information like a sponge.

“I used work with only people. I thought the best good I could do for mankind was to heal them. I’m not a fighter, and I never will be. I was born to heal the wounds caused by the Titans. It wasn’t until I after I’d visited the Underground City for the first time—”

“You’ve been to the Underground City?” Eren asked, like I said that I’d flown to the moon. My status should have kept me away from that place. “Why?”

I smiled. “That’s a story for another time. But while I was down there, I learned about experimental medicine and it intrigued me. When I heard that you had the ability to regenerate your limbs, I knew it was what I was meant to study next. Can you imagine, what good that healing ability could do?”

“You really think that’s possible?”

“I do. And I need your help.” I pulled out a syringe to take the sample.

Eren held his arm out and let my wrap the rubber band around his upper arm. “Aren’t you afraid that I’ll transform?”

Cleaning the spot where his vein stuck up the most, I shook my head. “Not in the slightest.”

He squeezed his eyes shut while I stuck him and drew the blood. I couldn’t be sure if the tremble in his arm was because of his fear of transforming or his fear of needles. “All done,” I said, putting the sample away into a case.

Eren smiled back this time, the first time I’d ever seen. There was no doubt in my mind that he wasn’t a titan. He’s a boy with an ability that shouldn’t solely define who he is. The sound of footsteps running down the hallway caught our attention. A boy, panting, said, “C-Commander Erwin and Captain Levi are here to see the prisoner.”

Oh… great.

 

               


	2. Chapter 2

               “Captain Levi is here to see me?” Eren’s eyes grew wide in admiration and fear. He must hold Levi up on a pedestal, like most did. That was understandable. Levi was the best at his job, which led many people to make him out to be an unsung hero. He complains about it so often.

               “Yes,” I replied with a smile. “But these cuffs have to go back on. I’m not supposed to have the key.” I gave him a wink. No part of me wanted imagine how Erwin might react if Eren wasn’t locked away. It makes me wonder if he’s scared of him or just following orders like he could claim to be.

               Eren didn’t seem to mind. His eyes stayed glued on the spot where they would enter from. I wanted to tell him that Levi wouldn’t be like some made him out to be. Though I loved him, he could be very cold to most people. That was the side he showed, but I knew him better than that.

               Hiding the syringe in a secret pocket, I held up my finger to lips as a sign to keep it a secret. This would already be an argument. There would be no need to add fuel to the fire. Footsteps grew louder and finally stopped in front of the cell. Silence took over a moment before Erwin settled on some words. “Miss Sinclair, we weren’t expecting you.”

               “Most rarely are,” I replied, smiling. Erwin and I had never agreed on much of anything. He was absolutely crazy in my book, but Levi believed in the cause so I tried to remain civil and help as much as  I could.

               Erwin tried the door, checking that it had remained locked. Motioning to the guard, he said, “Unlock the door.”

               “I never said I was leaving,” I replied, folding my arms. Erwin frowned. He was one of the first to protest when the announcement of mine and Levi’s engagement had broke.

               “This is illegal, you know that?” Erwin asked from behind a fake smile. He looked to Levi for help but received none.

               “Is it?” I took out a nicely folded piece of paper. “As of this morning, I’m Eren’s official doctor, so that makes this very legal. All I need is a signature from Eren.”

               All eyes went to Eren. I could only hope that the last day or so had convinced him that I would be on his side. He motioned for the paper and pen before scribbling a messy signature at the bottom. I tcould have sworn he had a smile for a brief moment.

               “You aren’t qualified to treat him,” Erwin protested, again motioning for the solider to open the door.

               “No one is. I’m simply the one who volunteered,” I said and shrugged my shoulders. Most were too afraid and then the rest were simply not qualified.

               The guard fumbled with the keys before getting it to unlock. As the door swung open, Erwin said, “We have Hange. You’re needed here in the capitol.”

               “Hange is a scientist, not a medical doctor. And there are plenty of doctors in the capitol. How many are still signing up for the survey corps?” I asked, shaking my head. None. I’d seen many of the higher ups trying to coax newer doctors into going but none wanted to. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Eren, okay?” I patted his head.

               “Escort her out,” Erwin ordered. He had no response to what I had said… because he knew it was true. He had to have gotten my request form to transfer to the survey corps as the new head doctor.

               The guard locked the door and nodded, giving a ‘yes sir’. He guided me up the stairs and out to the front. I slipped the cuffs key into his pocket before I left. I had planned to go straight to my lab, but I’d received a letter from my father this morning. He and Dhalis Zachary, the premier, were going to be meeting for lunch, and I’d been invited.

               Short on time, I returned to my family home to change into appropriate attire. With the assistance of some of the maids, my outfit and hair made me look suitable for an afternoon lunch with a military officer.

               Clad in my light blue summer dress and sandals that had lace strung delicately up to my knees, I made my way to the courtyard. The weather was beautiful. It almost made me forget that we were trapped in a cage that was slowly falling apart. Father and Zachary both stood up from their seats. “I apologize for not being here sooner. It’s a pleasure to see you again, Premier,” I greeted him with a warm smile.

               “Nonsense, the pleasure is always mine, dear Kerstin. We were just discussing your engagement to Captain Levi Ackerman.” Zachary pulled out my chair for me, then returned to his own.

               “Oh? I’m quite happy that my father approves of him. Levi is very special to me,” I said, placing my napkin on my lap. The kitchen staff began to serve a huge lunch.

               “Indeed, it seems like you are happy. My sincerest congratulations to the happy couple. It will do a lot of good for the people to see a marriage between the survey corps and a Sinclair. Hopefully, there will be more unification.”

               The conversation remained light and cheerful until my father excused himself to speak to whomever had arrived at the estate. I seized the opportunity alone with the Premier. He had to be here to preside over Eren’s trail. “I’m aware that Eren Yeager is the boy who can turn into a titan. Quite remarkable.”

               Zachary nodded, setting his tea down. “Yes, it could be a blessing or a curse. That will be determined tomorrow.” His whole demeanor changed, telling me to tread carefully. Trying to sway his decision now would be detrimental to our side.

               “Then, I would like to ask permission to attend and present information and facts that I have learned about him, if you would allow it,” I replied and waited. My mother had taught me all about strategy in speaking to men in high positions. There was certain ways to phrase things so that it sounded like they were still in control of the conversation.

               He relaxed and laughed. “You never cease to astound me with your wits, Kerstin. You’re a very smart woman, one to be reckoned with when you enter a room. Bring your evidence and I will give you a time to present it.”

               Relieved, I laughed too, “Thank you. It’s been very nice to see you again. You must come to the capital more often.” He was a very busy man, but I’d always enjoyed his visits, even as a little girl. He would tell me stories about places outside of the capital, inspiring me to become more than just my family name.

               Not long after, I retrieved my things and headed to my own home. A small two story house with a basement level, it sat only two blocks away from the building where my laboratory resided. The building had been named the top medical and science research center in the capital. It had made sense at the time to get a residence near where I worked. Now, it had become the perfect home for Levi and me. He was away more than he was here, but he made it our home.

               “Erwin did not approve of you becoming Eren’s doctor,” Levi said as I came in the door. He had been cleaning, something I had never been good at. Someone at the estate had always done it for me.

               “I don’t need his permission. I have the premier’s personal blessing,” I replied, going into the kitchen to make a quick dinner. Lunch meetings were never filling. I’d been taught at a young age that a lady doesn’t eat much, and when there was a guest, I barely ate at all.

               “Dhalis Zachary?” Levi asked, leaning against the counter. He looked exhausted. How he lived on such little rest escaped me.

               I cracked an egg. “Yes, he came to the estate for lunch. He said to tell you congratulations on the engagement. Apparently, you’re very lucky,” I said with a laugh. A silly notion that was. I was the lucky one.

               “I am,” Levi said. “Did he speak about the trail at all?”

               “Not much. When I brought it up, he was very clear that he wouldn’t discuss it.”

               “You’re a horrible liar, Kerstin.”

               “I’m a great liar, I’ll have you know. The only thing we discussed was my attendance to the trial.” I said, lighting the fire in the wood burning stove.

               Levi watched me. “Does it have anything to do with the blood sample you hid? I remember you saying that you weren’t experimenting anymore.”

               He saw that? I sighed. “This is different. I have to at least try, if only for Eren’s sake.” It won’t end like last time. I won’t let it.

               “He’s not some boy with a disease, Kerstin. The brat can transform into a titan,” Levi said, reading my mind.

               I paused. “I don’t have to worry about that. Eren isn’t dangerous.”

               “He is.”

               I turned around, exasperated. “Then you’ll protect me. Nothing good will come from treating him as less than human. Eren is practically a child, with no one to look out for him. Whether you or Erwin like it, I’m going to be on Eren’s side. You won’t change my mind,” I said. My heart stayed in sync with my mind. I would protect Eren if no one else would.

               “And if it’s the wrong side?” Levi asked. He remained unsure of Eren’s abilities and usefulness. Sometimes I believed he hid his compassion too much.

               “It’s not. I’m not wrong.” My father always said I was stubborn, but that I was stubborn about all the right things. My intuition took me this far and I’ll be damned if I’d let this slide.

               Levi changed the subject to his survey corps squad. Petra had returned home after they arrived in the capital, but she’d be attending the trail. I’d grown quite fond of her. Her skill alone was amazing, but she and I got on very well. I welcomed Levi’s distraction. By approaching the premier about my research, I had to deliver solid evidence tomorrow.

               This balancing game of social status and influence over both the elites in the capital and the heads of the military would only become more risky and dangerous with Eren in the mix. If I tipped the scale too much, everything would come tumbling down around me. But I’m a Sinclair. And Sinclair’s never quit. Too much was a stake for me to fail now.


	3. Chapter 3

               I’d worked all night on the small sample of blood that I’d gotten from Eren. I needed some kind of proof that Eren would be useful in other ways than just fighting the titans. Just preliminary. Any scrap of facts that could aid in this trial. Levi and Eren had a plan, but any help I could provide was worth the disheveled mess that blew through my laboratory. I’d let my staff go home hours ago, but a few had insisted on staying to assist me.

               Lifting my head off my desk, I rubbed my eyes. Morning already? When had I fallen asleep? My whole body ached from bending over the lab table and standing for hours on end. One of my colleagues, Mitskuni, leaned against the doorframe. “Still here I see,” he said with a laugh. He was a little younger than me, but his work in the medical field spoke for itself. He could have been any kind of doctor he wanted, but he’d chose to work in this one. Medicine and other remedies. Experimental to a certain extent.

               “It seems so. The trial will be starting soon. I should organize my notes and head that way,” I yawned, stretching my arms over my head. I didn’t have much. A theory and an equation. It might not be enough to back up the claims I had prepared to make.

               Mitskuni went over to my caged rat, Charlie, and peered inside. He’d been the last of his department to leave last night and the only one to completely hear me out. He’d even agreed with some of my theories, which meant a lot to me. “Kerstin.”

               Sifting through my work, I raked one hand through my blonde hair, in an attempt to make myself presentable enough. Facts were all that mattered and my research was running very low on that. Mitskuni said my name again. Irritated, I said, “What? I’m busy.”

               “His leg is back.”

               My head snapped up. His leg? Dropping my pile of papers, I joined him by the cage. Charlie had lost his leg a few days ago, due to some new employee letting my rats share a cage. Now, Charlie ran on his wheel for the first time since the accident, all four legs moving perfectly. A smile grew on my face. “It worked. I… I mean, this is only one test, but it… worked.”

               “Looks like you have your proof,” Mitskuni smiled too. He assisted me in getting my work together while I wrote up a short report of this new event. He even agreed to come along to the trial. We were running late and the trial had already begun. My heart hurt at the sight of Eren chained down like an animal. For a brief moment, my eyes met Levi’s, giving me a dose of comfort.

               The military police and some of the rich merchants were arguing with not only each other, but the scout’s regimen as well. Mitskuni followed me to two of the empty seats in the front row. Dhalis Zachary brought up the report of the incident where Eren attacked Mikasa while he was in titan form. Levi had given me all the details last night when we discussed the trial. What we hadn’t known is tgat they’d bring up was Eren’s past. My blood boiled at their murmurings. They started to accuse Mikasa of being a monster, too.

               Eren couldn’t stop himself from speaking. I didn’t blame him. No one would listen to him. It was to be expected. They had their opinions and I doubted anyone would be able to change their minds in a day. The only that mattered was the man presiding the trial.

               Levi had told me about Erwin’s plan. Though, I didn’t agree with the method, I decided to let it happen. There was no convincing them to change their minds, but watching it play out in front of me made me sick to my stomach.  Levi stopped for a moment to speak, “You know, I think nothing instills discipline like pain. You don’t need a good talking to. What you’re in need of, boy, is to be taught a lesson. And you happen to be in perfect kicking position.”

               “N-now hold on, Levi. It’s dangerous,” Nile Dok, a well-known chief in the military brigade, said. He came to all the prestigious events held by my father and many of the elite families in the capital. Arrogant would be a good word to describe him. Coward, too. He’d even asked me to marry him once. The nerve of that man.

               I couldn’t wait any longer. For a brief moment, I thought I’d seen Zachary looking at me expectantly. These men were selfish. Only caring about saving their own asses. Not bothering to look at the big picture. “Oh, for Christ’s sake, he’s a fifteen-year-old boy,” I said, standing from my seat.

               “He… he turns into a titan!” Someone stammered from behind Nile. Those around me began to whisper. _That’s Kerstin Sinclair. She’s a bureaucrat! Supporting a titan? What’s that mean? Does her father know about this?_

               Ignoring them, I continued, “Apparently so, but that’s no reason to commit murder, which is exactly what you’re proposing.” I walked past the guards and out onto the open floor where Levi was.

               “He isn’t human, Kerstin!” Nile said.

               I almost wanted to punch him. “You know what this is? Grown men, who have NEVER even seen a titan, too cowardly to understand how utterly amazing Eren is, discussing murder. The medical possibilities alone are astronomical, but you’d rather dispose of a child. How insulting.” I folded my arms. All they care about is themselves. My goal was to appeal to their morals, to make Eren seem as human as possible.

               “What if he gets angry and transforms into a titan?” Nile countered after Levi kicked Eren again.

               “Don’t be silly. After all, you guys just want to dissect him, don’t you? During the time that he was transformed, they say Yeager was able to take out twenty titans before he ran out of steam. As an enemy, his intelligence makes him all the more dangerous, but I could still take him down without a problem. How many of you could say the same? Before you torment the beast, you’d better think, can you actually kill him?” Levi asked.  That wasn’t something I knew, and Eren’s strength in titan form fascinated me.

               “Miss Sinclair, I’d like to hear your opinion on Eren Yeager,” Zachary interjected.

               “You mentioned medical uses—” Nile rolled his eyes.

               I’d had quite enough of that. My attention remained on Nile. If he wanted to act like a child, then I’ll simply scold him like one. “Are you aware that titans can regenerate most every part of their bodies?” As he stammered a yes, I continued, “And I mean most. Limbs, vital organs, even their own heart if given enough time. It’s some chemical process that allows for this to occur.”

               “I don’t need a lesson in titan anatomy, Kerstin. I know it much better than you.”

               I gave a breathy laugh. “Really? Then tell me, Nile, how many successful experiments have come from titan blood research?”

               “None.”

               “Exactly. Because titan blood is very hard to come by most days. If you looked so much into Eren’s past, then I assume you’ve read about Armin Arlert’s statement that Eren lost an arm when he got swallowed by a titan.” The look on his face told me he had no idea where I was going with this. Simple minds. “Isn’t that right, Armin?” I asked, looking back at Armin, who looked terrified that I’d called him out.

               “Y-yes, ma’am. I saw it happen,” Armin replied nervously.

               “What the hell is your point?” Nile asked.

               “Eren has two perfectly good arms, wouldn’t you say? Which one can infer from that incident that the regenerative trait doesn’t only work for titans.”

               “Are you suggesting that we could achieve the ability to regrow lost limbs or something?” Someone asked from the crowd.

               “That and so much more. It could, theoretically, cure blindness, deafness, the paralyzed. A number of conditions that would have otherwise been a death sentence. The research is only preliminary, but it’s worth pursuing.”

               “Theory doesn’t prove anything.” Nile snapped.

               “Yes, well, I have more than just a theory. It’s only one test, but I can assure you that it speaks for itself. My research team and I have successfully regrown a limb on a test animal. Like I stated, it’s in very early stages but that test alone has taken leaps from previous research done,” I responded, leaving the whole room speechless. The notes that I’d written up were in Zachary’s hands and he nodded his head approvingly, a smile on his lips.

               “Sir, I have a proposition,” Erwin raised up his hand. “There’s still too much we don’t know. His danger will be ever present. As sure, I suggest that Eren Yeager be placed under Captain Levi’s supervision. And we will conduct a recon mission outside the wall.”

               “Yeager will join you on this mission?” Zachary asked.

               “Yes sir. And you can examine the mission results yourself. And if he successfully controls his abilities, Eren will have proven his value to mankind.”

               “Eren Yeager will be closely supervised? And if he should lose control?”

               “I can definitely kill him, if it comes to that. The only downside is there is absolutely no middle ground,” Levi interjected, glancing at Mikasa. There might be some issues there.

               “Then I have made my decision. Eren Yeager will be placed under Captain Levi with the exception that Kerstin Sinclair will be overseeing his overall progress and continuing her research,” Zachary ordered.

               After the trial, I waited outside for Eren and Levi. Dusk had settled in, creating a beautiful sunset. Armin and Mikasa approached me. “Hello,” I said with a smile. Mikasa had a scowl on her face. She must care deeply for Eren.

               “You were amazing! Do you really think that Eren could help with all those things?” Armin asked.

               Nodding, I said, “Of course, he’s an extraordinary boy. Levi and I will protect him, don’t worry.” Their worry was written all over their faces. I had a feeling that they couldn’t put all their trust in Levi after what had just happened.

               Mikasa muttered some words about Levi’s method of protecting. It would be some time before they saw him again. The thought ran through my mind as Levi and Eren emerged from the building. “Would you two like one last night with Eren for a while? I know that we’ll be leaving early tomorrow but you’re welcome to stay at our home.”

               “R-really?” Armin asked.

               “I’ll escort Yeager back to his cell,” A solider said and then ordered to a second man, “Take these two cadets back to their quarters.”

               “Don’t be ridiculous, they’ll be staying with us,” I said. No way would I allow him another night in that musky cell. Both soldiers went quiet with my words, looking completely lost. Did they not hear me or were they confused by my statement? It didn’t matter. My family practically runs this town. If I wanted to make something happen, I did. Eren deserved better than what they were offering him.

 


	4. Chapter 4

               I could have laughed at their expressions but I kept my eyes on Levi. He obviously didn’t approve, though he knew I wouldn’t relent. After everything they’d done to Eren, no matter how much they justified it, it didn’t sit right with me. One night of normalcy wouldn’t hurt anyone. The silence continued, everyone around us looking extremely uncomfortable.

               “I’ll keep an eye on him,” Levi spoke, conceding.

               I smiled, overjoyed that, for at least one night, I’d get to take care of Eren and his friends. The carriage arrived to take us home. Levi and I sat on one side and Eren, Armin, and Mikasa squeezed into other side. I pretty much carried the conversation, answering their questions about the capital. The only way I knew Levi was listening was when he set his hand on my knee, rubbing a circle with his thumb.

               In the house, Levi left us to go fix up the spare bedrooms. The large one in the basement would be for Armin and Eren, and Mikasa could use the one on the main floor. They seemed uncomfortable, not sure what to do. How long had been since they’d been in a real home? Of course, I made them wash up before I asked them, “Could you boys set the table?”

               Mikasa joined me in the kitchen, still acting like she was holding her tongue. Finally, as she chopped the carrots for the roast, she spoke, keeping her voice low. “Why are you doing this?”

               Her question caught me off guard. “I…” My mind couldn’t get a coherent answer before she spoke again.

               “Eren doesn’t need you. Whatever pity you feel for him and us is wasted energy. We don’t want your charity,” Mikasa said, giving me a hateful look. She wanted to protect Eren, which was understandable. From what I’d gathered, she and Eren were as close as siblings, but her feelings went beyond that. I could see all that. But it didn’t make it hurt any less.

               I only faltered for a moment. Straightening up, I nodded. “It’s only for one night.” The roast would take a while to cook so I ordered them to go clean up and get into clean clothes. “If Levi asks, I had to check on some work at the lab.”

               Outside my house, I pressed the heels of hands into my eyes. Sinclair’s don’t cry. We deal with heads held high. I shouldn’t let this bother me. Eren isn’t my child… I shouldn’t become so… invested… But I wanted to. In my lab, the bottle of gin in the cabinet appealed to me more and more the longer I stared at it. My mother had taught me to hold my liquor but none of that mattered to me. One drink after another, the reason I’d been so upset began to fade away.

               “Doctor’s shouldn’t drink so much,” Charlie said, running around his cage happily. His little feet were so small. Pit pat. Pit pat.

               I sat up on my knees, setting the bottle on the ground. “You’re so smart, Charlie. I’m glad your leg healed.” Watching him run around his cage, I hummed.

               “Kerstin,” Levi’s voice came from the doorway. He wore a concerned expression. “What are you doing?” His eyes fell on the bottle, causing him to frown. He never gets drunk. Sucks for him.

               “Charlie says I drank too much, but he’s a rat so what does he know.” I shrugged from my spot on the floor.

               “It’s dead.”

               Slowly, I turned my head back to the cage. “Oh…” Charlie’s body laid sideways on the bottom, but decomposing quickly. Steam rose from all around. “You’re right.” My chest heaved and I covered my face with my hands. “Charlie’s dead.” My little Charlie. He greeted me every morning. He was so intelligent. “He made me happy.”

               “I know, Kerstin. It’ll be okay.” Levi knelt in front of me. “Let’s go home.”

               I threw my arms around his neck and cried. “You make me happy too.”

               “Well you are marrying me.”

               “I’m scared you’ll die too. I don’t want that. Don’t leave me.” I cried just thinking about it. What if he never came home?

               He rubbed my back, holding me tightly. “I’m not going anywhere, Kerstin. Let me take you home.” When I agree, Levi picked me up with little effort. We were practically the same height. Neither of us spoke on the way back to the house.

               My eye lids became so heavy that I couldn’t keep them open. The reason I’d drank so much still alluded me. In the morning, I would remember. Maybe by then, the reason wouldn’t be so bad and I could move on. Only being half awake, the conversation between Levi and Eren didn’t register in my brain.

               An eternity later, I woke up in bed, still in the dress I’d put on for the trial. Levi hated the dull task of changing clothes for bed because he never stayed long. Two to three hours of sleep was all he usually got. But when my eyes fluttered open, Levi had his arm around my waist and his chin rested on my shoulder. I thought he might be awake, but his breathing was slow and even.

               Tracing my fingers around on his arm, I sighed softly. My one wish was that we could stay this way. It wasn’t possible. Levi wouldn’t give up his job until the titans were eradicated and even then, I had a nagging feeling he wouldn’t quit the scouts. My work kept me just as busy, but I’d give it all up for a normal life. Though, I knew it wouldn’t become a reality. Neither of us were normal people. Our jobs were too important to abandon for our own wants.

               A girl can dream, can’t she?

               As quietly as I could, I untangled myself from Levi. No reason to wake him up. The house was silent and cold. Shivering, I gathered my papers from the study and took them down to the living room. The fire still crackled, but the flames were gone. Thankfully, Levi had brought in more firewood.

               Two logs gave enough light and warmth for me to sit down and spread my papers out on the floor. Charlie’s leg had regenerated so something had gone right. Then, he died, which was not good. These reports had been given to me by a colleague who had been watching Charlie for me during the trial. Why had it taken so long for him to die? Almost a full day. There was also the issue of titan-like steam coming from his body.

               I took my notepad and pencil for my own notes and began to write down my questions and reasoning out a plausible guess for the answer. Obviously, the serum equation was wrong. I’d need more blood. Maybe Hange would have some helpful experience through her research with the titans.

               Taking a break, I went downstairs to check on Eren and Armin.  They were both sound asleep but the blanket Eren had was laying on the floor. I covered him up, smiling a little. “From now on, life is going to get very complicated, but I’ll be here for you, even though the world is against you,” I whispered, brushing my hand through his hair. The longing for a child of my own tugged at my heart, though I knew that it wouldn’t be anytime soon.

               Returning to my spot on the floor by the fireplace, I poured myself into my work. Nothing had felt this important me in a long time. Translating another page of notes, a hand fell on my head.

               “Take a break,” Levi said.

               My legs ached from being on the hard floor for so long. Stretching my arms over my head, I looked back at him. “When did you get up?” The coffee table had three small piles of reports and two cups of steaming tea. How did I not notice that he’d come in.

               “A while ago. You were concentrating so hard that I didn’t want to disturb you, but it’s been over an hour. A break will do you good,” Levi said, sinking into the couch.

               Sitting next to him, I blew on the hot tea. It still escaped me how to make a cup of tea the right way, but Levi never complained about it. If I’d made some, he’d drink it. Sipping on the brew in my hands, my attempts were subpar. Tea couldn’t taste anymore perfect. Levi’s silence said a lot. “I’m not going to change my mind.”

               “Kerstin.”

               “Levi.”

               Levi took the cup out of my hands and set it back on the table. “You’re too stubborn for you own good,” he said, giving me a disapproving look.

               I laughed, even though I knew he was serious. Tension rose the room. “Levi, I’m going.” If I had to repeat it for the rest of the night, I would. There was no chance of me deciding to stay behind while he and Eren leave. My place in society might be among the elites of the capital, but my heart and passion laid in the field.

               Levi sighed heavily. “I figured you’d say that.” Before I could blink, he was on top of me, looking down at me with a ghost of a smile. “What am I going to do with you?” Without waiting for me to answer, he lowered his head to kiss me. He worried about me whenever he left and that could only mean that this excursion, taking me outside the wall, only heightened his worry.

               His kisses moved down to my neck, giving me air and the chance to reply. “This isn’t my first time outside of the walls,” I said, laughing a little.

               “Yes, I remember a very stupid girl masquerading as a scout to get a flower from beyond the walls. You almost died.” He lifted his head to look at me. Though it wasn’t the first time we’d met, it was the first time we’d ever had to learn more about each other. So, I considered it the first time we truly met.

               “Do you know what I remember from that?” I asked, reaching my hand up into his messy hair. When he didn’t answer, I continued. “I remember a very stubborn man who left the mission to accompany me to find the flower that saved a little boy’s life. I remember the late nights that were spent in silence because neither of us would give in. And I remember for the first time in my life, meeting someone who didn’t care that I was a Sinclair and didn’t treat me like it. It might have been stupid to leave the walls, but I don’t regret it, not for a second. I wouldn’t trade those nights with you for anything in the world.”

               “Nothing is a guarantee outside of the walls. Promise me you won’t do anything as reckless as you did back then.” Levi said, capturing my lips again. His hands roamed down my sides, tickling me a little. The lower he went, the harder it was to contain my moans. “You’re going to wake those brats up.” Levi slipped a hand between my legs.

               I bit back a moan. “Then maybe we shouldn’t be doing this on the couch.”

               “This’ll be the last time we’re in this house for a while. Let’s not waste it on work.” Levi replied and continued his exploration of my body.

               Levi had never been one to talk about how much loved me. It was in his actions that it showed. Tomorrow would bring a whole new world of uncertainty and trials. It all seemed so distant in this moment. Right now, it was just Levi and me. Not Captain Levi Ackerman. Not Doctor Kerstin Sinclair. Simply two people who loved each other. Again, the longing for things to stay this way swept over me. I pushed it aside. Focus on the now. Living in this hellish world became easier when I allowed myself to let Levi take control and keep me safe. Together, we were a force to be reckoned with. Outside the walls, there would be little time to ourselves, so I savored the moments of tonight.


	5. Chapter 5

               Levi and Eren had to leave earlier than I did. There was a mission briefing that Erwin had requested for Levi’s squad. Mikasa and Armin went right after they did. I, on the other hand, had to go to my lab in order to gather my research material. Two military police were ordered to help me carry out the trunks of medical supplies and to load it into the awaiting cart outside. There was so much to do. I had picked out two other rats to take as test subjects. If they died, I could probably catch some field mice.

               “Is that all?” One of the men asked. His voice showed annoyance. It’s not like they do any real work in the capital. A few hours of manual labor won’t hurt them. Impatiently, he asked, “Hey, rich girl, is that everything?”

               I only looked up at the sound of a smack. The man groaned, holding his head. “That isn’t any way to talk to a lady,” Nile chastised, strolling in. He made the poor boy apologize before dismissing them. Without missing a beat, Nile strode over to me. “You’re not actually leaving with the scout regimen on an expedition, are you?”

               With an eye roll, my attention returned to the small stack of paperwork that I’d been sifting through. “Yes I am. What of it?”

               Nile grabbed my arm, making me face him. “You can’t be serious. You’ll be killed, Kerstin.” His hand squeezed my arm tight. He’d been in love with me since I met him. On multiple occasions, he’d tried to win my favor.

               “I trust Levi to keep me safe,” I replied with a smile. He’d been at odds with Levi since he found out I’d taken an interest in him. Most of the social circle I busied myself with would have preferred Nile over Levi. But I didn’t want someone like Nile, who wanted a rich house wife. The joke was on him because I could never be a housewife. I’d never learned any of it, and truth be told, Levi was much better at it than I would ever be.

               A scowl appeared on his face. Levi was a sore subject. “Don’t be stupid, Kerstin. Outside the walls, nothing is a guarantee. Even the strongest solider makes mistakes. You’re a Sinclair-”

               “Did my mother send you?” I interrupted him _You’re a Sinclair, Kerstin. Elites don’t leave the safety of Wall Sina._ She hated that my choice in a husband had been Levi. My mother had always been judgmental of the underground city and anyone who made it out. Thankfully, my mother’s opinion didn’t matter.

               Nile’s hesitation confirmed my suspicion. “Reconsider. It’s dangerous and I…” Nile squared his body to mine, backing me against the desk. “I can’t lose you. I love you.” Before I could say anything, Nile kissed me, desperate.

               With all the force I had, I shoved him back. How dare he! “I am _engaged_ , Nile. That was beyond inappropriate!” This was one of the many reason I could never marry him. Too overbearing. Too pushy.

               He shrugged. “Inappropriate or not, it doesn’t change my feelings for you.”

               “Please leave. I have work to do,” I replied as politely as I could manage. He’d better hope Levi never hears of this. Turning my back to him, I sorted through my papers again. Focus on the job.

               Nile complied, walking to the door. His boot scuffed on the ground as he stopped. “I almost forgot.” He laid a letter on top of the lab table. “Your father asked me to give this letter to you. He said to wait until you left to read it.” Nile sighed at my silence, but left.

               My whole body relaxed. Thank goodness. He’s gone. I jumped when someone knocked on the door. It was a woman from the scholar department. She’d brought the paperwork I’d requested. “Thank you,” I said and watched her leave. My eyes fell on the letter. It didn’t feel right.

               I tried to fight the urge to open it. Father wanted me to wait. Chewing on my lip, I held the letter in my hands. Should I respect my father’s wishes, even though something didn’t set well with me? Sliding the letter opening through the top, I removed the folded paper. My father tended to be sentimental so the shortness of the letter surprised me.

              

               _My dearest Kerstin,_

_By the time you read this, you’ll be well outside of the walls, safe. I regret having to write to you in this manner, but it will be the last official document I make. Recently, there have been threats made against our family, and I fear they will soon act. I thank the gods that you will be far away and safe with Captain Levi to protect you. Everything will be left to you, my dear, and your uncle will assist you in running the business._

_Kerstin, my ray of sunshine. I wish you all the happiness with your true love. Do not spend your days worrying about the past. I love you with all my heart._

_Father_

               Grabbing my medical bag, I rushed out, crumpling the letter in my hand. How could he not tell me? Why? Who would want to do this to my family? All kinds of questions ran through my head. Outside, I scanned the crowd. “Nile!” I ran up to him. “Give this letter to Levi. He’s with Erwin in a meeting. Tell him to come to my family’s home straight away.”

               “Why? What’s wrong?” Nile called after me.

               Approaching a stranger with a horse, I dumped a bunch of coins into his hand. “I must borrow your horse. I’ll return him, I said climbing up into the saddle. I looked back at Nile. “Someone is attempting to kill my father.”

               Nile called for me to wait, but I couldn’t. My father needed to explain that letter. Why sign it as if he was already dead? Unless he wrote it under stress. I kicked my heel into the horse’s side, needing to go fast. The city disappeared behind me as I made it out into the country side where my father’s house was.

               As I reached the cobblestone driveway, I slowed down. Sliding off the horse, I tied the reigns loosely to a pole. The front door stood open, the frame cracked from the lock being broken. The grandfather clock ticked in the foyer. They could be anywhere in the house.

               At this time of day, Father would usually be in his study. Mother is probably upstairs in her dayroom, reading a book. The house staff was nowhere to be seen. Climbing up the staircase, I tried to be quiet. It was difficult, especially since this house would normally be teeming with life.

               I pushed the door open to the dayroom, my heart pounding in my chest. Everything is fine. The more I worry, the more stress I’m putting into nothing. Father can explain the letter, and it will all be alright. All the curtains were closed, leaving me in darkness. “Mother,” I called out softly. Her rocking chair looked empty.

               She’s not here.

               Maybe she’s outside. She does love to stroll around the gardens on warm days.

               Taking another step, I slipped on something wet, falling to the floor. Warm. Sticky. My muscles all tensed. Blood. I knew the feeling of warm blood well. Breathe, Kerstin. Get up. I pulled the curtains to illuminate the room. My stomach churned.

               There was _so_ much blood. My mother’s body laid off to the side, throat slit open. She was naked and bruised. It all looked fresh. Her body still felt hot to the touch. She was dead, I knew that, but I checked for a pulse anyways. Tears filled my eyes and I covered my mouth to muffle the sob that escaped my lips.

               A scream rang throughout the house. My father!  
               Forcing myself up, I ran down the stairs. Again, he cried out. The study was where it was coming from. I peeked through the cracked door. No one but my father, who laid on the floor in a pool of his own blood, was in the room. Rushing over, I dropped to my knees. “Father,” I said, putting pressure on the stab wound in his stomach.

               “Kerstin… leave… please…” His voice came out weak. A coughing fit took over, blood staining his hand.

               “No, you’ll die,” I said, searching through my bag. Sterilizing it first, my hands shook as I started on the stitches. It took three tries to knot it off. Someone would have to redo it, but this should keep him alive long enough to get him to a hospital.  His breathing steadied, but he fell unconscious.

               Someone laughed from behind me. “Hey, the daughter is here.” A hand grabbed a fist full of my hair, jerking me up to my feet. His hot breath on my ear, he said, “I bet you know the code to the vault downstairs. Why don’t you tell me what it is before I have to hurt your beautiful body?”

               I jabbed my elbow back into his side, upwards, aiming for the heart. His body jerked to the right, pulling me around. Raising one leg, I kicked his knee as hard as I could. As he fell to the ground, he released his grip on my hair.

               He cursed loud and held onto his leg tightly. The crack it had made almost made me smile. But, he wasn’t alone. His friend swiped his leg, knocking me off my feet. Without any time to react, he dropped down on top of me, both hands gripped my neck. His body weight knocked the air out of me. “Stupid bitch!”

               The room blurred as the oxygen was cut off. My hands searched for any way to get him off me. I didn’t have brute strength. Gasping for air, I watched his expression change from pure anger to concern. A blade pressed up against his neck, cutting the skin slightly. Who…


	6. Chapter 6

               “Release her,” Erwin demanded, his blade cut the top layer of skin on the man’s throat, making blood run down his neck. It dripped off his chest and onto my own body. The man complied, stumbling backwards to get away from the blade. Erwin kept his eyes trained on the attacker, but held out his hand to me. “Kerstin, are you alright?”

               On my feet, I took deep breaths, still out of oxygen. “Yes, thank you,” I replied. My voice sounded scratchy. Nile must have delivered my message. Thank goodness. If he hadn’t… I’d surely have been killed or worse.

               “Come outside with me, Kerstin,” Eld took a hold of my arm. He’s Levi’s second-in-command.

               I didn’t appreciate his tone. I am not some child who needs to be consoled. “I have to tend to my father. He’ll die,” I said, moving past the two murders to examine my father again. The wound must be deeper than I anticipated. The stitching held fine, but blood still spilled out. Not a good sign.

               Working in silence unnerved me.

               The next person to arrive was Shinji, our family doctor. After all we’d been through together years ago, he’d quit most of his doctoral practice, only being available to certain families. I couldn’t blame him. After what happened in the Underground City, and then Shiganshina… He wanted to live a peaceful life. “What’s his condition?” Shinji knelt beside me.

               “Stab wound, but it must have hit something internal. Earlier I didn’t think to check,” I answered. Why hadn’t I? That’s standard medical procedure when dealing with any kind of stabbing in the abdomen. The knife could have hit an organ. The liver maybe? Or a lung.

               “I’ll patch him, Kerstin. You need to step away from this. You’re not in your right mind,” Shinji said. Though his words were harsh, he meant no harm by them. It seems his bedside manner hasn’t changed in the years we’d been apart.

               Nodding my head, I slowly started to stand.

               “Where is your mother? What’s her condition?” Shinji asked out of habit.

               Pausing in my movements, it took a moment for me to answer him. My mother… the memory returned, turning my stomach, but I held myself together. “She’s dead, upstairs in the dayroom.” No one responded to my statement.

               Eld walked with me out to the guest house to the right of the main house. Thankfully, he didn’t speak and simply stood outside the door on guard while I went in. Trying not to get blood on the floor was nearly impossible. My clothes were soaked in… in my parent’s blood. With my hair sloppily tied to my head, I spent a while in the shower, trying to scrub off all the blood on my skin.

               It did nothing to calm my nerves. I must pull myself together. More military police will arrive, asking questions about what happened, and then the newspaper reporters will come as well. Explaining this over and over to so many people made me feel sick. Finding a dress in the wardrobe proved easy. My mother always kept a change of clothes in here for me on the occasion that I needed space after a long day at work. Finally, I sank onto the edge of the bed. “What am I going to do?”

               The door in the front opened for a moment. “Keep those idiot reporters back at the gate,” Levi ordered, shutting the door softly. I counted each step his took until the bedroom door opened. “Kerstin.”

               A shaky breath escaped my lips and I stared at my hands. “I couldn’t save her. After all these years of treating patients, I couldn’t save my own mother.” How I’d found her continued to replay in my mind.

               “Don’t do that. None of this is your fault,” Levi replied. He knelt down onto one knee to be eye level with me, and took my trembling hands in his. “You’ll make yourself crazy thinking like that.”

               Raising my eyes from my lap to meet his gaze, more tears sprang to my eyes. Inside this room, I didn’t have to pretend it didn’t hurt. “Levi, I didn’t even try to help her. I didn’t… do anything! I left her there… Why didn’t I at least try? I call myself a doctor, but I…” My heart squeezed in pain as I spoke.

               “Walk me through it,” he said softly. We’d done this once before, a long time ago. There had been another incident and my mind couldn’t process it. All kinds of made up scenarios crossed my mind, and Levi had made me do this, to help sort out the facts.

               Taking a few minutes to calm myself, I started with Nile giving me the letter from my father and how it had unsettled me. The story unfolded slowly, and holding back the pain of my mother’s death became hard. Levi waited patiently, only speaking to encourage me to continue. “There was so much blood…” I said. “Too much, but it had just happened. If I’d… if I’d tried to stop it, maybe she would have lived.”

               “Do you really believe that?” Levi’s question caught me off guard, leaving me speechless.

               Dropping my head to stare at my lap again, a few tears spilled over, rolling down my cheeks. His question hung in the hair. “I don’t know. My heart wants to believe that I could have done something, but…” Closing my eyes, I sighed. The real answer hit my heart with a pang. “But I also know that she was dead when I found her.”

               Levi held my face in his hands, brushing away my tears. “Kerstin, listen to yourself. You know you made the right decision. Your father is still alive because of you. It’s never going to be easy to accept a loss, but we’ll make it through it.”

               A comfortable silence fell over the room for a moment. A small smile grew on my face and I placed my hand over his. “Thank you. How would I ever survive without you by my side?”

               “I won’t ever let you have to,” Levi responded.

               Taking a deep breath, I felt much calmer. There’s a lot of things to be done. While Father is recovering, someone will have to take care of the business. Mother’s funeral will need to be arranged. I still haven’t finished preparing to leave on the excursion outside of the walls. “As much that needs to be done, I still want to go with the scouts, with you and Eren. It’s too important to leave behind.”

               With a chuckle, Levi stood as I did. “You’re too stubborn to give up on it.”

               Straightening my dress, I brushed my hand through my hair until it fell around my neck. As disheveled as I felt, my appearance was presentable. Mother would have hated for me to have puffy eyes and red cheeks, even after something this horrible. Time to be strong for her. She may be gone, but she will always live in my memories, and I wish to make her proud.

               Levi held the front door open for me, following behind me. The military police had arrived, taking the two men into their custody. They looked worse than when they’d attacked me. The rest of Levi’s team had come as well. Petra hugged me tightly, whispering her condolences to me. Not only had newspaper reporters gathered at the front gate, but people from town had arrived too. News travels quickly.

               “Doctor Endo has your father resting in the master bedroom. We’ve decided to postpone the 57th expedition until tomorrow afternoon,” Erwin said, watching the military police load up the men into a police carriage and locking them up.

               “Thank you,” I replied. Though we rarely agreed about anything, I knew he was a good man at heart. Not having to worry about leaving until tomorrow took some burden off me. Shinji would take good care of Father. All I needed to focus on was Mother.

               “Lady Kerstin!” Itsuko came running up from the main gate. She’d managed to slip past the military police over crowd control. She was our head maid, having taken care of me since I was a child. She gave me a bone crushing hug, tears spilling over. “I should have known something was wrong when your father dismissed us all today.” She apologized over and over again.

               “Itsuko,” I pulled away to speak to her properly. “Thank you for coming back. Since you’re here, would you like to assist me in…” The words caught in my throat. With everyone at the gates shouting and all eyes on me, it felt like the entire world was waiting for me to break down. Stealing a glance at Levi, who stood behind me but was speaking quietly with Erwin, I calmed my nerves. “Come inside and we can pick out a dress that my mother would approve of.”

               Itsuko, wiping her tears away, nodded. Inside my mother’s closet, I took my time looking through all her things. She had so many dresses, and even some riding clothes that Father had bought her in case she ever wanted to ride one of our horses. Itsuko and I both shared stories of my mother and all things good memories we had of her. Her death weighed heavily on me, but I smiled nonetheless as Itsuko told stories of my mother’s wild adventures when she was young and first met my father. Stories I’d never heard. As the sun set, neighbors arrived to bring flowers, condolences, and even food for me and my father. My mother would be missed, by me and father most of all. Sometimes, life feels impossible.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: There is now a prequel to this be being posted! So, if you want to check out how Levi and Kerstin met and fell in love, then go check it out! Thanks for your continued support of my work!


	7. Chapter 7

               Late in the night, I couldn’t pass up a stroll around the gardens to clear my mind. Most of the arrangements had been settled. My uncle had arrived as soon as he could, promising to take over watching after my father in my absence. Mother’s funeral would be at sunrise, her favorite time of the day, and after it ended, the scouts and I would be leaving on the 57th expedition around noon. I should be exhausted after today, but I was wide awake. Picking a white rose from the bush, I sighed.

               “Kerstin,” Shinji drew my attention to him, willingly accepting the hug I gave him. “Your father is in stable condition, and awake.”

               That’s good news to hear. “Thank you for coming. It means a lot to me,” I said, smiling softly. After all we’d been through over the years, it gave me comfort knowing Shinji came so quickly, and would also be staying to monitor my father’s recovery.

               Shinji turned his gaze to the stars, his sign that he wanted to discuss something, but was unsure how to proceed. “I visited Akiyo yesterday. It’s actually the only reason I hadn’t left town yet. It seems Akiyo knew you’d need me.”

               Akiyo…

               “You believe that?” We were both medical doctors. Believing in superstition like that would be impractical.

               He shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe I just want it to be true. He’s happy for you, you know.” He placed a hand on top of my head. “For living the way you wanted. For continuing the research even though most are against it. He believed in you and what you do. And he loved you.”

               “I loved him, too,” I replied, absentmindedly rubbing my stomach. My first real love. For the first time, it didn’t hurt me to speak about Akiyo. It’s been five years… “When I return, we should really catch up. I think he’d want that.” Shinji and I had drifted apart after the incident, always too busy.

               Shinji nodded his head in agreement. “You’re right. It’s been far too long. Kerstin, I don’t blame you for what happened, and I apologize if it seemed like I did.”

               “No, I know. It’s no one’s fault, and I did blame myself for a long time. But now… It feels like I’ve gotten a second chance, and I’ll take it. That’s the gift Akiyo gave me.” Staring at my hands, I smiled. “Life is hard, and it isn’t fair. But it can be so beautiful if you allow it to be. Akiyo used to say that to me a lot.”

               He laughed. “He had quite good advice most of the time.”

               I thanked him again for being here before excusing myself to return inside. By the time I made it to my father’s bedroom, he’d already fallen asleep again. Itsuko promised to remain with him throughout the night. Unsure of what I should do, I found myself drawn to the dayroom. It might give me some comfort to clean it up for her.

               Gathering all the proper materials, I began to wipe up the blood. The rag slopped onto the half-dried liquid, turn the soapy mixture red. It became increasingly harder to keep out the images of her dead body lying on the floor. Hot tears pooled in my eyes but I held it back. _Save your crying for when you are absolutely alone. A Sinclair should always conduct themselves in a proper manner, Kerstin._ Mother would always be so strict about maintaining our image.

               Scrubbing the wood floor, another memory returned to me, from a long time ago.

 

               _“You’re doing that wrong.”_

_Even with my back to the door, it was easy to tell he had a displeased look. The annoyed tone in his sigh meant he wanted to show me the correct way. Taking the rag out of my hand, he folded it up into a square and rung out all the excess water._

_“You’ll only make a bigger mess with that much water. Didn’t anybody ever teach the princess how to clean up properly?” Levi asked, giving me his usual icy stare._

_It took a moment for me to register what he’d said as I scanned his body for an injury. “You’re bleeding.” He wouldn’t come of his own free will, unless he needed to be treated. Even as neighbors, he never even spoke to me unless he absolutely had to._

_“Not enough to warrant how alarmed you look.” He obviously didn’t want to come here. “If you stitch me up, I’ll show you the easiest way to clean up blood, since your line of work usually leaves a mess.”_

_Instinctively, I lifted his shirt to see the gash on his chest. “I don’t need to be alarmed, huh?” That’s a deep wound, and it’s bandaged improperly. “Don’t you know about basic bandaging?” I threw back at him, for insulting me about my cleaning skills._

_We glared at each other for longer than we should have. He removed his shirt while I gathered up the proper materials to close the wound. I worked silently, and Levi stared at anything in the room except me. Dabbing a little alcohol on the stitches to ensure it wouldn’t become infected, I broke the quiet. “My mother hates cleaning, but she also hates for things to be dirty. Kind of a contradiction, right?” Why do I feel the need to explain myself?_

_Levi’s gaze fell on me, confused. “Seems to me that you being an aristocrat and willingly coming to work in the Underground is also a contradiction.”_

_“I’m not just my family name. I’m not just going to be some man’s wife some day either. Practicing medicine and researching more efficient ways to treat patients is important to me, and no one is going tell me how I should be doing my job, or how to live my life.” Properly bandaging in the stitches, I sighed. “All finished.”_

_“You’re strange,” Levi said, shaking his head._

               That happened so long ago. Levi and I had a rocky relationship back then, always at odds. He disliked me because I had been born privileged, and I had disliked him for his hateful attitude. Now look at us… the engagement ring on my finger made me smile. I nearly jumped out of my skin when Petra crouched down in front of me.

               She didn’t speak, only using another rag to assist me in cleaning. Oluo, Eld, Gunther, and Levi were all here, too. No one said a word, working to make the dayroom clean of all the blood. It took less time with everyone working together. It shined with cleanliness when the priest had arrived to officiate the funeral.

               Shinji and I helped my father into a wheelchair, despite the seriousness of his injury. He had to be there. It would haunt him forever, knowing that she died and he lived, but at least this would bring him a little peace. The sun peaked over the horizon as the priest spoke and then the casket was lowered into the ground. Just as quickly as it had begun, it was over. Mother… I love you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t save you. I’ll take care of Father for you.

               But I cannot give up on what my research on the titans.

               You never quite understood my reasons or passion for this line of work, but I know you supported me from the sides, even if you never allowed anyone to see it.

               The crowd dispersed, giving their condolences as they left. My thanks became mechanic, and it felt like it wasn’t even me replying. Unable to tear my eyes away from the grave, I swallowed down my emotions. Finally, when all had left except for Levi, his squad, and Erwin, I forced my body to move back toward the house. The sun had risen high into the sky, and it meant that it would soon be time to leave the safety of the walls.

There were many things I needed to relay to Itsuko to keep the house in working order while my father recovered, and then I had to finish gathering all my research material. No part of me wanted to do any of it. In reality, all I wanted was to curl up on my bed and cry for the loss of my mother, but if I did, I was unsure if I would ever get up again. It would be much easier to give into my spiraling emotions. But I can’t. Too much is riding on this experiment with Eren. He would have to become my priority for the future. All of my research could push the boundaries of medicine. That made it worth my time to keep moving forward.


	8. Chapter 8

               “Did you get it on?”

               “Yes.”

               “Do you remember how to use it?”

               “Yes.”

               “Let me check—”

               I couldn’t help but laugh at his worried expression. “Levi, I’m fine. I’ve done this enough times to know how to put it on,” I said. Part of the agreement to allow me to leave with walls with the scouts was that I had to wear the uniform, including the ODM gear. Should anything go wrong, should titans attack, my one and only action is to get somewhere safe. I would never try, but under no circumstances am I to attempt to fight.

               My words didn’t deter him from thoroughly checking my work. He tightened one of the straps, sighing as he did. “Kerstin. You’re going into dangerous territory.” He knelt down to check the gear. This had become normal for us. Levi had to ensure that everything was in order before we left the safety of the walls.

               “Would it make you feel better if I promise not to do anything reckless this trip?” I asked. The thing I hated most about this uniform was how heavy the gear was. It wasn’t easy to move around in it, so I can hardly imagine having to use it while fighting against the titans.

               Levi rolled his eyes. “I wouldn’t believe you if you did.”  Still thoroughly annoyed about me going, he stood up and walked toward the door. “Erwin wants us to depart soon.”

               Leaving the walls was a big deal. People lined the streets all around, watching and mumbling. Some were complaining about wasted tax money. Others, like the younger kids, stood in awe of the scouts and what they represented. With my hood pulled up over my head, not many would be able to recognize me. It could cause some controversy for a Sinclair to be with the scouts, especially after the attack at my house. The newspapers had already spit out an extravagant story.

               This time, there were fewer scouts coming with us. Levi’s team were at the front and we had a handful of them behind us. Eren had mixed emotions on his face, excitement and fear. Who could blame him? Should this mission end in failure, the council will likely execute him out of their own fear. I will do everything in my power to keep that from happening. That’s why my research is so vital. I won’t let the government take away something else important to me again.

               Thankfully, our trip outside the walls was quiet. No titans came into view. It didn’t seem to take too long to arrive at the large estate that used to be a scout headquarters. It was far from the wall, and no rivers were around, which made it impractical for long term use. That had been the reason they’d abandoned it. With my journal out in my lap, I scribbled down a few more formulas to try. Levi and I both had a bad habit of overworking ourselves. This work had consumed me once before, and if I let it, it could very easily do it again.

               I assisted in setting up my research lab in one of the old ones. The tables had layers of dust on them, but everything seemed sturdy. Though I tried, I gave up on cleaning to unpack and work on my actual research. The sun had begun to set, requiring some lanterns to be lit. I’ll need more of Eren’s blood tonight. It seemed that as soon as oxygen hit, it would dissipate, an annoying problem to deal with.

               “You’re still as awful at cleaning as ever,” Levi said, leaning against the door frame.

               I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t mind a little dust.” My childhood home was always spotless, and every other house I’d stayed in had also been kept clean. First with Akiyo and now with Levi, though no one is as much as a stickler for cleaning as Levi.

               Swiping the broom up from where it leaned against the wall, he said, “It’s more than a little.” He proved the point by brushing up a cloud of dust, but he didn’t ask me to help. Instead, he cleaned silently. Uncomfortably silent. He acted this way when something was bothering him. It could be the entire mission, but it was something else.

               “Levi, what’s the matter?” I asked, setting down my papers and turning to him.

               Shutting the door, he sighed. “I’m going to keep someone posted with you at all times. Eld is coming soon.”

               I used to oppose this strongly. A body guard for just me in my own lab seemed wasteful. But Levi’s instincts were usually right. Something must be going on to make him so distracted. “Okay, as long as they stay out of the way.” I couldn’t help but laugh at his surprise. “What? Do you want me to argue?”

               “No. You normally do.”

               Leaning back against the table, I nodded my head. “If we were still inside the walls, then yes, I would probably argue. But out here, I don’t want to cause you any more worry. If you think I need a guard, then I’ll try to follow that rule.” I paused. There must be a reason. “But, I will ask why.”

               “The last time you researched using titan blood to cure ailments, you were almost killed by that fire that burned down your lab. Just because we are outside of the walls, doesn’t mean someone won’t try it again.” He knew that it could work. He’d seen it himself when we were both in the Underground City. “But I also think you should reconsider.”

While it was important to continue the research, if I died, there isn’t a single person qualified to take over after me. That’s what had stopped me the first time. “For better or for worse, I’m supposed to be doing this. It’s why I became a doctor, and why I moved on to research. No one else has ever gotten this close to using titan blood to heal wounds.”

Levi didn’t look convinced, instead he set the broom down and walked over to me. “Kerstin, you’re brilliant, you know that. But when are you going to stop throwing away the value on your life for someone else?”

“The same time that you do,” I threw back.  Both of us went quiet as the door opened. Eld strode in with Eren trailing right behind him. “Just the person I wanted to see,” I said with bright smile. Pulling out one of the old stools, I dusted off the seat and patted it. “I’d like some more blood.”

Eld nodded at whatever Levi had said before he left the three of us alone. He’d resumed the work of cleaning the lab. His movements were slow, and his eyes kept moving to me. After a few moments, he cleared his throat. “Kerstin, why did you ever start researching titan blood?” He asked, sweeping the broom back and forth slowly.

“I’ve been wondering the same. How did you know that titan blood could be used for medical remedies?” Eren spoke up. He held his arm up for me to wrap the band around it and stick the needle in his vein.

I smiled softly. “The better question would be to ask who planted the idea in my head that it was possible.” That had been so long ago… “I had a mentor when I was fifteen, a brilliant woman who could make the impossible happen in any medical situation. She had all kinds of crazy ideas about medicine. Some were far-fetched, others impractical, but a lot of what she researched was good. As any good student would do, I followed in her footsteps.”

It’s been a long time since I told this story to anyone. She was really known as the kooky witch doctor, but she was highly requested by government officials. I’d spent years underneath her, learning my practice and assisting her in research. Until things got out of hand. She’d made a discovery. A life changing discovery, she said. It had cost her. Just as this unknown group had tried to do to me, they successfully made her disappear and burned down her home. Late one night, she’d visited me in a frenzy, asking me for one last favor. That had been what had set me on this path…

              


End file.
